Family therapists outline things we can all learn from the fallout of Prince Harry's memoir
Kelly says that contrast in attitudes is typical of non-royal families as well. “It’s rare that two people experience the same trauma in the same way,” she says. Harry writes extensively inabout how, while he shared many traumatic incidents with his family, from his mother’s death to being hunted by the paparazzi, he struggled to get them to talk openly about the personal and emotional damage it was causing them. “Harry is going, ‘Can’t we just talk about the hurt here?’” Kelly says.
Experts say that broaching taboo topics, and thus changing family dynamics in the process, can be incredibly difficult. According to a popular theory, families reach what’s called “family homeostasis” to establish stability: the household has rules, each member plays a specific role, and everyone knows what to expect. “A family wants to revert to its normal patterns,” says Maynard.
“It puts pressure on the areas of our life and it’ll show weaker spaces, the cracks that we need to strengthen,” says Kelly. “When Harry married an American actress, it disrupted the homeostasis. It showed dysfunction.” Healthy families can evolve, establishing new rules and roles, with hard work. But Kelly says it’s important to set realistic expectations. Some people simply may not want to change. “We have to ask ourselves, ‘What do we know about that person and the amount of work they’ve done previously, in a relationship or otherwise?”Though most of us will not find ourselves airing our grievances in an, we do frequently share our problems with third parties.
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