“I’ve had no great loves or long-term partners… and lots of experiences of being a third wheel,” writes author Amy Key.
It doesn’t feel dignified to admit that a friend’s romantic relationship – especially a new one – makes you feel bad. But I’ve been wary of how my friends’ romantic relationships might freeze me out since 1994, when my best friend bailed on our plans so she could spend an evening with her boyfriend for their “three month anniversary”. I was bereft.
It’s been decades since I had a romantic partner. It’s not that there have been no love interests during that time, there have, and I too have succumbed to the all-consuming power of a new obsession. But I’ve had no great loves or long-term partners… and lots of experiences of being a. I remember when the members of my friendship group all got coupled up.
More than that, I didn’t want to be the only one at the table without one. It made me feel like a child among adults and lonelier than I felt in my daily life. But since I’ve spent most of my adult life single, I have had to get used to it. Sometimes I’ll avoid certain trips and gatherings. Occasionally I will stick my neck out and risk coming off as difficult to say that I’d rather it was just pals rather than partners too.
I recently published a book about living without romantic love, and while writing it I had to confront how I had suppressed some of my feelings about this dynamic in order to appease others. I was ashamed, but also frightened I might be rejected, or worse, that I’d be dismissed because I “couldn’t understand” what it’s like to be in love. That one is hard to argue with because it needles my feelings of inadequacy, and so I can’t marshal my response without emotion flooding in.
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