My husband recently asked me: “What does passive-aggressive mean? And whatever it is – why wouldn’t you just… be aggressive?” LucyMangan explains why she's embracing white-hot rage
The second question is, strangely, easier to answer. Why wouldn’t a passive-aggressive person just… be aggressive?. Here’s the thing. Passive-aggression is what happens when you cannot be aggressive.
Passive-aggression functions as a pressure valve, sure, in the deeply unnatural situation of not being allowed to say how you feel. It allows some of the anger at life or a specific situation or a specific person to escape without putting the whole delicate machinery at risk. It gives you slightly more chance of getting what you want than putting a brave or smiling face on it does.
Meanwhile, over the years, all those around you are routinely baffled and wrongfooted by your responses and behaviour. Why is this person saying one thing but doing another? Why is my friend agreeing with me but then avoiding me? Why did my colleague not say no to a request but also not carry out the thing they did not disagree to do? You can see how complicated and inefficient it all becomes.
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