My fury with men presents a conundrum at home; understandably it sometimes made the two males at our family table of six feel uncomfortable 🖋️ lorrainecandy
More than anything I want them to be safe and, as an army of teenage girls head off into hospitality jobs this summer, I want them to know what to do when groups of drunk men start verbally and physically harassing them. But how do we conduct these conversations as a family in a way that doesn’t feel like I’m constantly yelling “men are bad” at my two men?
At a recent family cinema trip we sat through four blockbuster trailers: in the first three barely any women featured. The fourth wasat which point I blew my top. “Can you imagine,” I said to my son and husband, “not seeing yourself on screen in most films about saving the world? It’s 2023 for God’s sake”. “What do you want me to do?” my son asked forlornly as he tried to eat his popcorn in peace.
The version of masculinity we see in society today, especially culturally, isn’t healthy for young boys. It puts them under immense pressure to be something they may not want to be, it’s a slow drip, drip of emphasis on them being “strong” and “tough” – all those gendered words that start in toddlerhood. In reality they’re more vulnerable than society expects them to be and that’s unfair. We cannot go on ignoring their needs.
So I don’t want to demonise men at the dinner table, but I do want to question masculinity and I guess that’s what I am asking my son and husband to do. I spoke to a friend about this; Jeffrey Boayke, former teacher, father of two boys and co-author of . He thinks that it is good for me to be pointing this out at home for my son and I need to keep on doing it., so we need our boys to understand how this works. And then maybe they can begin to ask if the pressure of this kind of masculinity is good for them; it’s obviously not so how can they relieve themselves of the stress of it,” he says. “The world wants boys and men to be a certain way but we need this masculinity to have a looser grip on them so they can have a looser grip on it.
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