“I wasn’t expecting the huge relief a pregnant body brought, the respite from the low-level yet constant hum of self-criticism and disappointment.”
I’m in the toilets of a nightclub in Amsterdam. I’m in my mid-20s, living in the city. A group of friends from London have come to visit, and we’re having a night out. But somewhere in between the wine-soaked reunion and the dancing, somewhere in amongst the joy, a sadness has arrived. In paint-chipped toilets, I stare in a smudgy mirror. My eyes well up. My face is hot. A shift is occurring; one that has been some time coming, perhaps without my realising.
Fast forward more than a decade. I’m 37 and pregnant. The first three months blur into a collection of debilitating symptoms that feel like an endless, chronic hangover. Finally, around 16 weeks, I start to feel well, just in time for a trip to the Italian lakes. Normally, before a holiday, I spend extra time working out, while chastising myself for not keeping up regular gym habits year round, for not having better self-discipline with wine and chocolate and all the things I love.
Belgique Dernières Nouvelles, Belgique Actualités
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